A most peculiar mademoiselle.

Still alive.
It's been a while since I've blogged anything on this journal. I can't believe time has flown so quickly. The last time I updated I was entering my second trimester, and now I'm entering my third.... It's so crazy that so much has changed in such a short amount of time.

Well, as I said I'm in my third trimester now - 25 weeks in, and I'm really looking pregnant now. The baby is non-stop moving, and the little flutters of movement I was getting around my 16/17th week have grown into little kicks and punches. It's an incredible feeling each and everytime, and it makes me smile so much. Michael was even able to feel the baby kick a week ago (ever since then the baby stops kicking every time Mike puts his hand on my tummy) and the way his eyes lit up made me smile even more. I don't know what it is but having Michael with me through all of this is probably the only reason why I haven't lost my shit yet. I don't know how I would handle this situation if I didn't have him, or if I were with someone else.... With him it all just seems right.

It still absolutely amazes me that we've only been together for a little more than a year, especially when I think about all the stress and hurdles we had to get through and are still going through. I never thought that we would be able to be together in this way, and I can't deny that I've wanted to be with him for a long time. In such a short amount of time he has become everything to me in ways I never thought possible. I love knowing that his arms are wrapped around me (usually with his hand on my belly, now ^_^) at the end of the night before we go to sleep. I love waking up and still being nestled in his arms. I love the way he looks at me, and how neither one of us can look at each other for long without smiling ear to ear. I still can't believe how lucky I am to be with someone as amazing as he is. I've never been so sure of being with someone, and feeling that this relationship, this child we created, is completely right.
I know I wasn't close to being a saint with any of my precious relationships. I know I fucked up, made some horrible decisions, and had some twisted perception of how relationships were supposed to be. I messed around with people I never should have, I dated people I never should have even considered, but I don't regret any of it. If I never fucked up, had I never gone out of my way to make those mistakes, I never would have found Michael. I wouldn't be how I am today if he wasn't with me - it scares me to think how I would have ended up, or where Life might have taken me, if I never took a chance with him. I've never felt so absolute, so complete and sated in a relationship before. I've never once thought to myself "Okay, this is good. I guess I can learn to live like this." since I've been with him, which is how it was with every other guy I've been with. Mike and I work together, and we keep helping each other to get our lives the way we want them to be. In just a few short months we will be purchasing our first car together (y'know, the whole baby/family thing we got going on now, since the truck isn't really a suitable family vehicle), and then after our little miracle is here I'm going into a CNA program to work my way through school (and to finally leave Kohls behind me) and he's going back to school for computer engineering. I know things are going to be difficult at first, and I know that we will always face a struggle at one point or another, but I'm ready for that and there's no other person in my life that I'd rather face it all with.

I still find myself looking at the ring he gave me a few months ago, and still being shocked that I'm engaged to someone I never thought I could possibly have. I love remembering that day, I love remembering going into Southaven woods and seeing an old couple walk out, holding hands and smiling at us. It was almost like a prelude of things to come that day. We found our way to the dam, and recounted all the days we spent meandering in the woods before we started dating, and were just friends. I'll never forget how Michael got so nervous he started shaking and how his voice quivered when he started speaking about spending our lives together and starting a family. I'll never forget the feeling that took over my soul as I saw him get down on one knee, and ill never forget the look of relief and absolute happiness on his face when I screamed and started crying and said yes, a thousand times, yes. The ring is absolutely beautiful, and I still find myself staring at it in absolute awe. As stupid as it might sound my favorite part about the ring isn't one of the many diamonds on it, its the underlay - the part no one can see unless I take it off, that grabs at my heart. I get so many compliments on it and everytime I do it makes me smile; not because of the admiration, but because I feel like I have a secret with it. I would have been overjoyed with a simple ring, with one diamond on it and shown it off to everyone the same way I flaunted this ring. Instead Mike went out and got me a beautiful silver banded ring, with 40+ little diamonds embeded into it, surrounding a nice one carat sized diamond, and my secret Celtic underlay. It's not the ring that makes me smile, its the fact that he thinks I'm worth this ring (I actually had to talk him out of getting me a second ring because he felt bad that the ring didn't have any emeralds in it.... Such a silly boy XP). My only gripe with it is the same gripe I have about every ring I've ever had - it's a smidgen too big. My fingers are so slender and my ring finger is inbetween a size 6 1/2 and a 7.... It's so damn annoying, and because of the settings on it I can't get the ring resized without risking the settings themselves. But whatever, right? I'll only be wearing it for a little bit before it's replaced with my wedding band ^___^

I think I've rambled enough for one entry.... Now to shower and wait for Mike to come home so we can nuggle and watch a movie <33

Revival... sort of.
It's been a while since I've actually used this thing, but I guess this time is as good as any. I want to start documenting my experience with this, since it seems like things are going decently enough, and pretty much only people I know read this thing (if anyone still uses LiveJournal XD) so I feel like this is a safe haven for my thoughts. It might also help me get over the nerves and worries I have.

Back in June I found out I was pregnant again. Apparently after a woman has a miscarriage she's more fertile than she is before ever being pregnant, and this idiot was not aware of that. Am I excited? Yes, but my worries, and fears about this pregnancy being seen to term takes over any kind of emotion I have. Last time I was ready, I was excited and I couldn't wait to start going through the 9 month duration and finally have that experience. This time I'm finding it harder to have a connection with the life that's taking place inside me. I have no fears about being a mother, or when I get to hold this child, but that's it - am I going to get that opportunity? I've already gone through lab work and screenings, and everythings came back okay. My numbers are going up the way they should be, baby's heart rate is fast and strong (148bps, at my last appointment), I even got my first sonogram a few weeks ago and saw the baby moving (almost dancing) all over the place. It was so surreal and amazing at how much movement a baby is capable of at only 12 weeks. I thought then that maybe it would hit me, that maybe it would start to feel "real" and I'd have no problem with accepting that this time things will be alright. But that moment didn't come for me. Here I am now, in the beginning of my second trimester - the "safe zone", and I still don't feel any closer to being safe. Like, the moment I begin to feel like this will be something amazing and wonderful, like I should feel, is the moment that things will go terribly wrong; I don't think I can handle that disappointment again. At this point I feel like the only thing that's keeping my head up in this situation is Mike, who seems incredibly optomistic about all of this. I honestly don't know what I'd be doing with myself if I didn't have him to help me through this, and him being as amazing as he is through all this, despite recent events that have been taking place. But we're not going to get into that right now - I want to enjoy what I can about my pregnancy, and not spend it stressing about what everyone else thinks.

Moving on, I'm at 15 weeks (tomorrow actually) and already starting to show a bit. It's a bit scary and thrilling at the same time, but now it makes sleeping on my stomach not an option anymore. I can feel the pressure on my uterus when I lay down certain ways, and lately all I can do is bunch up all the pillows I can and make a Lindsay-sized nest out of them. Mike bought me a body pillow a few days ago, and it does wonders. I might have to look into maternity pillows when I get bigger, because I can definitely see how just one body pillow is not going to cut it. I'm due February 20th, though me and a few family members are hoping for the 18th (my grandpa's birthday). I'm still getting sick, but apparently that can continue throughout the entire pregnancy (or hopefully only a few more weeks -__-).  At this point I'm getting distracted by the TV and my own jumbled mix of emotions and thoughts that I can't sort out right now. But for now, a picture of what my "budding belly" looks like right now, and the sonogram from three weeks ago. My next appointment is the 5th, and my next sonogram is October 4th. I go in for more testing next week, and then I think sometime in October or November I have to get a shot of RhoGam so anything unfortunate can be avoided.

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Bored. Can't sleep.
I tried filling out a survey, and couldn't make it past the third question... seriously, I don't know how I was able to fill out so many of those damned things.

Maybe I'm just losing my patience with things.

I can't believe it's been 2 months since I've last updated. So much has happened, and yet everything still feels the same. I was pregnant, had a miscarriage around week 9 due to my blood type - apparently when the mother has a negative blood type it tends not to mix well with those who have a positive blood type, especially if it's your second pregnancy. It was surreal, to say the least, when you're laying in that chair and seeing a sonogram of the dead fetus inside you. Then the actual process of going through it... I had the option of a D&C, but I chose to go about it naturally. Excruciating pain is the only way to describe the process... I couldn't move, lay down or anything aside writhe in pain, and be horrified at what was coming out of my body. I don't even know what else to say about it, other than I'm glad it's over with.

There's really not much else to say, other than Mike and I have been doing some extreme job hunting to no avail. My job has fucked me over for the last time; It's to the point where I just want to throw my hands up and shout "I'm done!" and walk out the door. 
 Unfortunately there's that lack of money thing that this job meagerly supplies. I guess I'll just have to learn to be patient.

I've been getting this school stuff started, but I keep getting distracted with work, Mike and his stuff with Caleb and other obligations that sometimes I completely forget about it. 

And now I'm done with this... I'm amazed that I even typed this much.

Online blogging has lost it's flavor...
The last 10 years or so I have kept some sort of online diary, even having multiples at once.

I think I've reached the point in my life where I don't need this anymore. I've always kept a handwritten journal, and even that's starting to see dust and neglect. It's kind of sad to me, but I've never had much more use for my journals than ranting and talking about my days. I'm tired of it. I'm bored with Facebook, and Twitter isn't really exciting me as much as it used to... it'll only be a matter of time before I abandon them as well.

I might make posts here and there, or update when I have something of real interest... but other than that, I just don't have a use for a journal anymore. I have other things to do, and my life is gradually getting more and more hectic - but I welcome it. I've made a lot of changes over the last 7 months, and I still have a lot more to do.

But honestly, my future has never looked so bright.

Somewhat of an update:
First things first: Singer Curvy 8763

Mike got it for me - not sure when it's coming, but it's ordered and I am BEYOND FUCKING EXCITED! My old sewing machine(Brother LX2500 - it's the same model number, but mine is an older version) Was good when I was just getting accustomed to sewing machines, having only hand-sewn until I was about 16 when I got a piece of shit hand sewing machine (only recommended for small projects, and people with enough goddamned patience for them). The Brother is a good sewing machine if you're a beginner, but anything more than an easy pattern, or a not quite thick/thin enough fabric, will prove to be a nightmare... and don't even get me started on the tension. I am super excited about having a Singer though... the last Singer I had was my grandmother's old, old, OLD tabletop sewing machine - one that dates back to the early 1900's to give you an idea of how old it is. My next course of action is to get a mannequin and a serger =] 

As of March 1st I will be completely insured again! No more "dental discount" plans, I'll have ACTUAL medical again, and great optical coverage... well, my optical insurance was always excellent, but I'm thinking about getting lasik eye surgery done in about a year or two. LP George was talking to me about it (while we were watching this woman steal a few couple of hundred dollars worth in merchandise) last night, and although it has come up in the past, it was something that I never really considered. But after wearing glasses since I was 7 (16 years), I've had enough and even after all that time, and switching to contacts 7 years ago, I still hate having to rely on something else so I can see 2 feet in front of me. If I get this surgery it means no more glasses, no more fucking around with contacts, I might have to wear reading glasses when I'm older because of how bad my vision is, but I CAN DEAL WITH THAT WHEN I'M 50. Then again, it's also just something I'm kickin' around in my head.

I have to go down to a few funeral homes next week (was supposed to like a month ago, but Life gets in the way of shit) and see if I can volunteer for anything. One of Mike's relatives told me that it's rare to find a home that isn't looking for help because of the environment that they'd be working in. Apparently people don't want to work with the dead... wtf is wrong with you people? XD  However there's quite a few in my area, so I'll be surprised if one of them can't give me some sort of insight (not really looking for employment from these people, just to establish some sort of relationship/get my foot in the door). 

I'm torn between getting a tattoo now, or waiting a little bit for it. I really want to get a dragon sometime soon, but I keep changing my mind about the placement. I really want something sorta big on my leg, and then there's a bunch of smaller ones I want. I think I might just go with getting Talga Vassternich on the back of my neck with a small dragon below it.Eh, whatever. I'll sleep on it some more XD

OH AND WALKING DEAD IS BACK! SO 'CITED! ^______^ I need to catch up BIG TIME on the comics, I am so far behind -___-

Well, that's it for now. I have to finish getting ready for work. W00t for picking up extra hoursssssss.

So there's talk....
...good talk - VERY good talk. I don't want to speak too soon, because we all know the horrible habit I've made of that, but if things go as the way people are speaking I'll be happy.

2012 better not be trying to lull me into a false sense of security.... that shit's not right, 'specially with the dragon on my side >_O

I don't know... these past 26 days have all been strange. I don't know what it is....

Mawrmp. Shower time.

Oh, I'm a redhead again. Though, in my defense, I kept the blonde for much longer than I thought I would (10 months, almost a full year!)... I might go back to it someday, but the calling for red hair was just too much XD 

I feel as if I've abandoned my livejournal as of late.
In lieu of what's going on, I've been doing more research into becoming a mortician/funeral director. I still haven't quite decided what I really want to do with that; if I want to be more focused on restorative art or embalming. I'm going to a few funeral homes in the area sometime this week to talk to the directors there and get their views, and perspectives on pursuing this career. Mike's mom is going to try and help me get a letter of recommendation from one of her relatives, who apparently worked in the funeral business for a long time. I'm looking to getting into American Academy McAllister Institute - the only thing that separates me in the requirements for application is lack of a letter of recommendation from a funeral director. Ideally I would like to get a job working in a funeral home to get an idea and feel of the environment I'd be working in, but I know that's not going to happen anytime soon. A reason why AAMI appeals to me so much is because they offer their associate's degree online. Since restorative art and embalming are a hands-on type of thing, I think there's a 2 week course that you take at the end of one of your semesters and get certified in it. I don't really remember, but it's something like that. I never liked online courses, but right now this would be best considering this school is in the city, and I am not XD Hopefully that will change in the next year or so.

Mike has gotten me addicted to The O.C. ...I have nothing more to say, other than it's stupidly, horribly, addicting. But.... I love Seth. He's my favorite, and I love him.

Well, I feel I've rambled long enough. Goodnight.

Letter of bullshit.
This won't take long:
  1. The paternity test was initially asked for legal purposes, and legal purposes alone. You two aren't married, and Mike is going to need to show proof that he is a father for taxes, social security, medical, insurance, etc; If you and your mother had bothered to ask and not go off the deep end, shouting shit like "sign away your rights" and "he's gonna have to take me to court." then it wouldn't have gotten this far. Then you both say that it's in Caleb's best interest to not get a paternity test. Who the fuck says that? How is this going to affect Caleb negatively - it's not like the kid knows what's going on, and it's best to get this shit out of the way before he is old enough to be aware of the bullshit that's going on. Oh wait, here comes in that lack of communication. Unless of course you consider the threats you sent Mike about him never seeing the baby if he doesn't break up with me/doesn't do what you say. There's a reason why family court exists, and it's because of assholes like you and your family. You come off looking a lot worse, and like the vile whore that you are, denying this test. Also, the fact that Mike broke up with you because you were cheating on him with guys at your job is grounds alone for a paternity test. Shut the fuck up, you have NOTHING except a baby kicking your uterus.
  2. Letter of Intent (example) So maybe you didn't know what a LoI was, and didn't think to look into it because you're so comfortable with mommy and daddy always handling your dirty work, but I'm willing to bet your mother knew what one was, and that what you sent to Mike would not be acceptable for what you're doing. Scare tactic, or just stupid as shit? The former for your mother, and the latter for you. Despite what you throw at Mike he is pursuing this, and he is going to get his rights for this child whether you want him to or not. This is NOT your decision, and you don't have any right saying half the shit you do. Oh, he got you pregnant. He didn't wear a condom, or whatever it is you wanted to throw at him. Fact remains that (or so you claim) you didn't know you were pregnant for the five months you were smoking cigarettes, weed and drinking. Are you aware that you can be charged with fetal abuse and that the child could be taken away on that alone?
Mike wants a paternity test for legal reasons, and now to rule out any doubt that's in his mind. This is not him backing out of being a father, it's him taking responsibility. Just because he didn't come running back to you like you probably thought he would, and just because he doesn't want anything to do with you anymore, doesn't mean he doesn't want Caleb in his life. 

You are disgusting for allowing your anger, your pettiness, and your inability to let anything fucking go cloud your vision. You claim you're doing this all for Caleb's interest when it's all about you, and what you want. Wake the fuck up and realize that what happened between the two of you is done, and over with. Move the fuck on, and stop being a miserable cunt, and start being a mother. Mike may have knocked you up, but because of your idiocy and unwillingness to get shit taken care of for five months, you too are to blame for this forced and sudden parentage. You two couldn't make a relationship work without a child, and obviously you can't even be civil to each other with a child.


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